Driving by my "Moment in Time"

It is mid-March, I am pale from never leaving the confines of my home and cabin fever has taken its toll on me.  Grocery shopping needs to be done, my husband suggests I accompany him and see how I feel while riding in the front seat.  Then we will be able to gauge how often I can make trips from home.   It is certainly a hassle to transport me because I am of no help getting into and out of our truck, but my man never complains.

As we head to Cuba, Missouri, just twelve minutes from our home, my heart clenches as my husband does not turn left towards the interstate, instead continuing to drive on the outer road, knowing we will drive the exact route of our collision.

 I have never questioned him about this decision, although I do wonder if this was an oversight or his way of urging me to overcome this obstacle.

Passing the turn off, I mentioned that I was becoming nervous due to the direction we were traveling.  Instinctively, he reached for my hand, holding, caressing my clammy skin the entire drive.  Not being clear on exactly where our desecrated pile of metal landed, Greg softly said, “Right here.” 

My eyes moved to the right side of the road, the scene looking different in the

daylight as our wreck happened under the cloak of darkness.  Railroad tracks, pine trees, pain.  Three vague memories create an ache deep within my heart.  That night, the impact, our girls quivering voices brings a heaviness to my broken soul.  Throwing me into a silent, lonely place filled with immense heavy sadness.  Each time pained thoughts of this chaos chisel through my protective wall, it overwhelms me with these emotions and I wonder how long it will take my spirit to heal.

Quietly, slowly bringing in long, deep breaths as we pass the spot in mere seconds, my body releases as if it broke from a fever.  Reaching our destination, I release my grip on Greg’s hand, rip my jacket off due to the profuse sweating happening underneath and announce, “We made it.”    

Just a week later we again headed to Cuba, but this time night has fallen.  We were attending a fundraiser my family had organized for us.  

Before I knew what was happening, I was staring into a huge set of white head lights passing by us.  Mesmerized by their intensity, my eyes becoming huge, my breathing stopped, reliving the impact at that exact moment.  As the truck was equal distance to ours, my head jerked hard to my right just as it did when we were hit that frigid evening.  Quickly realizing I was staring out my own window, we were not actually colliding and that this was just a flashback, I forced my heartbeat to slow. 

Eyes tightly squeezed shut, softly I urged,  “Greg, I need to travel more at night, to get over these feelings that I have.  I did not realize I still have so much anxiety about traveling in the dark.” 

Although this is my first expedition into the night, it would not be my last flashback under these circumstances.  If I conquered this episode of apprehension and survived to tell it, surely I could conquer the ones to come.


My largest challenge is just that, challenging myself too hard, too early.

Stronger than Yesterday FB

Book Review: Restless Angel by Sue Stewart-Brown

     So there is this woman, whom I have known for many years, not well, but when I viewed a post on Facebook from her daughter, about a book she had written, my immediate reaction was, "Say what?!!!" "Get out!"  I had to read the entire post to see what was up because I was excited and intrigued by this new knowledge I had.

     We all know her as Sue Stewart-Brown from Cuba, MO.  Grabbing my ipad and clicking on my Kindle app from Amazon.com, I searched Restless Angel in the "books" category and sure as the sun shines there she was with a listing of her very own!

     

Description:
Corrine James is a successful career woman at the point of burn-out. Looking to simplify her life, she starts with a leave of absence to find her focus. Hundreds of miles from home and on a whim she decides to take a job cleaning and cooking for a handsome cowboy and his family. Tyler Drake has seen his share of trouble in his life, but he has carved out a peaceful existence for himself and his "family" on his ranch in Montana. A widower with a son and two old cowboys for help, they are all quite satisfied with their lot in life. Other than the fact that someone has been trying to sabotage Ty's ranch operation, the men appear to only want for a decent meal. Their backgrounds and histories could make for them being at odds with each other, or it could draw them closer than they ever imagined.

     From the first chapter these characters had me enraptured.  Probably because I relate to them, but I know when a book has really gotten my attention because when I'm sitting at baseball practice, aggravated that I have forgotten to bring my ipad because I'm wondering what is going to happen next between Corrine and Ty!  

     Finding myself giggling because I can feel Sue's humor coming out in these characters, I loved that she wrote about what she knew, what she has experienced.  I could sense that she drew some of her story from our little town and loved it.  I believe I was in such awe because I actually know Sue, but had no idea she could write so well. 

Here is my review on Amazon.com:
     Well written with great flow of storyline! Couldn't wait to finish & loved the allure of passion without being a smut book.

     In asking Sue how she chose to write a story like this her response was: As far as what prompted me to write these types of stories, they are the ones I like to read.   I never like the stories where they separate the couple, where they put them with another person for a while (for any reason) or where they write explicit scenes.  (Yeah, I'm one of those old women who never read Fifty Shades of Gray).  I like a happy ending and I can't imagine ever writing something where the couple doesn't end up together at the end of the story. 

     Sue has been writing for thirty years or so, but like all of us, got busy with being a mother/wife and was not able to concentrate on it.  Restless  Angel began over thirteen years ago and finally came to life this year!  

     I want a sequel and in asking Sue if that will become a reality she stated:  Ty and Corrine have been so well accepted that I feel I need to write a couple more that include them. I pray before I write and I know that God has tried to lead me to write something wholesome!   

     I highly recommend this book and I believe it deserves to be read by many.  It should definitely have a higher price tag attached to it.  My only suggestion is that Sue should have hired me to photograph a cover for her.  I'm sure we could have scrounged up a rugged cowboy from Crawford County to be her Ty!

      For her sequel,

Who would like to volunteer? 

     You can order directly from Amazon.com, paperback or downloadable version. Link Restless Angel  

You can find Sue on Facebook and Twitter if you have any questions for her.

Saying Thank You to All of YOU!

Thankfulness     
Acknowledgement
Recognition
Appreciative
Gratitude
Honor
Indebtedness

     These are just a scattering of terms that I owe to all of you. 

     Four years is a long time to recover.   Four years is a long time for your continued support, but you have never given up on me, which in turn, causes me to not give up on myself.   We have been granted a gift of  86,400 seconds in a day, it only takes the use of one of those seconds to say, "Thank You" but I am going to use quite a few more than that today.

Silent gratitude is not much use to anyone, so

THANK YOU!!!

      It amazes me that the effects of this collision have spread so far.  Society may not know my name, but I hear, " Ohhhh, you're the one, " quite often.  I receive hugs from citizens that I do not know because they said a prayer for my family and I in church.  The same goes for cards, texts and private messages.  They start by explaining who they are and that they have a friend who knows us personally and felt compelled to write us.   Then............there is you.   Still receiving random, "how are you doing?" messages or cards.   I receive the best hugs when I venture into town.   Smiles are everywhere and if one of those smiles are a little droopy, then I hug you and you have no choice but to hug me back, because that would just be bad manners.  

     I rarely shake hands anymore unless the occasion truly calls for it, I encompass my acquaintance in my skinny, woman arms and hope they feel every bit of indebtedness that I have.   I have so much to give and give back.  

     I cannot recall if I have communicated this story to you or not, but this moment calls for it.     

     When I roused in my room after one of the surgeries, I'm not sure if it was my personality, God or something called Dilaudid, but I awoke in a great mood.  As long as I received my medicine routinely I was in moderate pain, light-hearted and didn't think much about my situation.  While I was holding my Mom's hand after a surgery I vividly recall a divine sense of prayer.  I spoke genuinely to her, " Mom, I can feel everyone praying for me, I can feel it.  That's why I feel so good."  I can only think of one way to explain this titillation.  When you watch how fans 'people surf' at a rock concert, there are many hands supporting that person as they travel along the crowd.  This is how I felt about everyone who was praying for us.  You were carrying me with prayer at a time when I could not carry myself.  It's an inspiration that I could never forget.

     When I speak of "you", I speak of everyone.  My family, friends, acquaintances and unique strangers that took time to help me, even in thought.  My family put their lives on hold until I could function on my own.  Our children practiced patience, nurturing and bred independence in their new roles, while my mind, body and spirit were reclaimed.  There were times when my own light diminished and was rekindled by a spark sent by one of you, whether you knew this or not.  I will never be afraid of saying a prayer or sending a message to someone because of awkwardness.  It was at the oddest junctures that a short note from someone revitalized my ambition to survive and live, like I wanted to live.  

     It is said that, "if you were not grateful for what you had before, that you could never be grateful for what you are to get."   I believe this to be true.  I do not wish this experience on anyone, it is painful in so many ways.  I am grateful to live thirty-five years as I did, but I am grateful to live any way I can now.  This is a promise to you, that I will pay it forward til the end of my life here on this earth.

If there was a way that I could touch you, to transfer my emotion of appreciation,  so you could feel what is in my heart, you could have endless peace just from that smallest gesture.   

 Gratitude has, undeniably, been my best attitude.