He Helped me Answer my Own Question

     I wrote about this day many months ago waiting for one of my children to be released from practice.  I stored it in a notebook I carried with me to write down my random thoughts.  Several months ago, I tore it out of my notebook and discarded it, knowing I would not share this experience for fear of what others would think.  Fear of others rejecting the brilliant hour that turned my torture into something else.  Something that changed my perspective and eased the hurt from that deep bruise that was imprinted into my heart since December 29th. 

     Three months I had been lying in a hospital bed in my living room with the same question running into and invading every thought I had.   It wasn't even a conscious question at this point, I couldn't control its interference in my life.  I visioned it as someone terribly annoying poking me in the shoulder every half second, not stopping when asked.  " Am I going to be okay?" it vibrated fiercely . 

      Each day for three months I spent my days with this question alternating with my body begging me to stop the pain.  "AM I going to be okay?" *PAIN!* "Am I GOING to be okay?" *PAIN!* "AM I GOING TO BE OKAY?!" ***PAAAAINN!***  No rest, no reprieve. It was maddening!

     A weekday afternoon as I lie in that bed, I grew weary of watching tv.  I cannot focus enough to read, it is painful to write, I tire of my own thoughts.  Closing my eyes, I drift to some meditative state.  Still hearing voices from the television, still knowing my surroundings, that blasted question even intrudes my thoughts here.  For Gods sake, just leave me alone for a bit. 

     Sensations.  Odd sensations come over me.  I am smiling.  With my eyes still closed, a big easy smile spreads across my face.  I don't understand it but I love it, I want more.  A feeling slowly washes over by body. I had been cloaked with a calmness and it swaddled me as a mother swaddles her infant.  

     Peace.  It was splendid peace, warming my body, mind and spirit.  With a trust so unbelievably complete, I knew the answer to my unending inquiry.  Yes.  Even if I do not walk well or ever again,  I will be just fine.  If that means living life in a wheelchair, I will be just fine.  Our girls and I had survived and that is all that I cared about.  Vivid, clear thoughts were mine.  Heaviness lifted its weight from my heart and it began beating again in earnest.

     My world inside of our home stopped as if Mother Nature had stopped time, except for myself.  I was in a whirl wind, everything around me was blurring as my mind whipped with comprehension, with awe, with disbelief.  He wasn't here with me, I did not hear him say the words, but he let me feel my answer.  He was allowed to let me know I was going to be okay.  He was allowed to let me feel peace.  It was him, the man who hit me. 

     I sat up in bed, overcome with emotion and exploded into tears, heart wrenching tears as I held my head in my hands.  I sobbed submissively, "I'm so sorry." "I'm so sorry you died."  " I'm sorry you died and I did not, I don't know why, I'm sorry."   I could not picture his face because I did not know what he looked like.  I did not know his life or personality, but I felt his heart this day.  It felt like this was a way that God let him help the person he caused so much pain for.  He was sorry.   

     He was finally at peace.  I don't know what that meant, but I knew it as well as I knew my own name. 

     It was the first time I had addressed him.  Acknowledged that he had changed my life.  Now he had changed it twice in a matter of three short months.  I know the reality. I know the explanations and excuses of everything else that this can be.  I was dreaming, it was effects of the pain medications I was ingesting, it was my own mind wanting something so badly that I imagined it.  

     But what does it really matter?  I had found what I had been searching for.  My spirit was at ease.  That question no longer haunted me.  I don't care what it was, I loved what it did for me.  I choose to believe because it grants me peace, courage and composure.  I choose to believe.

     I do not wish this pain or these struggles to be in my life.  I wish I could learn these lessons in a less tragic way, but this is my path now.  My journey.  God does not leave you on Earth without a reason.  I have asked him a few thousand times what am I supposed to do for him, what is my reason for being saved because when I look at my car, at the scene, it does not look as if anyone should have survived that.  

     I have heard his silent wishes and this past week, in a room full of three hundred plus people, I finally accepted.  I smirked as I said, "Well you ornery son of a gun." HE says, " Do the thing that you have been most afraid of your entire life." 

 Speak. Up. 

Have You Thought of Natural Pain Relief?

 Pain.
Pain..........pain....................pain............pain.........pain...........pain.......
pain, pain,
pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,pain,
Pain Sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


     Everyone has pain and when we do, whatever pain it is, feels like the worst we've experienced.  Most of our pain is short lived.  Give it a little time to heal or to allow the medicines to take effect and most diminish within days or weeks.  Chronic pain is a different ball game.

 It never leaves.  Ever.  

     There may be days that are  more tolerable than others, but anything can cause it to intensify.   Then it feels as if little can be done to reduce it.  That is without taking a prescribed pain reliever and who wants to pop narcotics for the rest of their life?   I, for one, do not. 
      I understand too much about pain.  Living thirty-five healthy years, at age thirty-eight, I can no longer summon memories of what it felt like to live pain free.  Visions of a time when I could run or jump with the kids in the yard come to mind, but when I see my feet hit the ground, I physically cringe.  I can only associate those activities with the pain it would cause me now.  Even while watching movies, I find myself reacting in this same manner.

     Trying to give an explanation of how intense my pain has been has been a trial for me.  When asked, I just cannot find the descriptive words to encompass it.  I may never.  I fancied myself a good sympathizer before my collision and now realize some experiences are beyond words, beyond comprehension.  I lived it and there are moments when even I cannot believe I came through.

    
      With the dedication of my physicians, they have compressed my agony to severe discomfort.  I had to take it from there.  Doctors can only accomplish so much with what they have to work with and if I did not want to continue with narcotics, then I had to research other options. 

     So how am I accomplishing this?

     I want you to know that if you suffer from chronic pain, there are options, but you must be diligent in your efforts.  You may understand already that if you suffer from this condition that you build up a certain tolerance.  If your pain lowers to a certain level, you are elated.  Humans have a tendency to become lazy.  When we feel better, we stop doing what makes us feel better.  Then what happens?  We feel bad again.  Then we scramble to start again what made us feel better in the first place.  So why not just make it a life habit and stick to it?

     I exercise many habits each day to minimize my injuries.  I do not allow myself to become stagnant in my own care.  I grasp too well that when you let pain have control, it takes twice as long to reign it in.  

     Acceptance is my first defense.   I cannot move forward if I am not mentally and emotionally prepared.  

     Diet.  I eat well and I eat healthy.  I minimize what I call 'heavy' foods.  (gravy, fried)  I look for detoxing foods.

     Vitamins.  I take a herbal detoxing vitamin that is a combination of fruits and vegetables. Greens

    

        
   Exercise.  Activity is a double edged sword for me.  I need it because my body will seize up and become rigid without it.   Too much and I am resting on the couch for days.  Pilates  cycling and farm work.

     Meditation.  I don't sit cross legged and 'Ohm' in the middle of the living room, that's for sure.  With four kids, I'd never hear the end of those jokes.  I do, however, sit in a quiet place, with my legs elevated and mentally motivate myself to overcome the deep aching that takes place with humidity or over-activity on my part.

    Curamin.  This herbal supplement is known for its ability to balance the body's natural inflammatory response.   I use this as my main pain reliever.  I must take the maximum dose and take it daily.  

     Rhus Tox. This is actually poison oak.   I know!  Odd, I thought, especially since I am allergic, but I have had no side effects of rash, etc.  This, I use for my arthritis.  Rhus Tox is a homeopathic remedy.  Homeopathic means that you are using a small amount of a natural substance to treat an ailment that the substance would normally cause.  Foods for Health

    The combination of those last two supplements have been helping me since February and rarely do I even have to ingest an Ultram.  Unless I over do it.

     SMILE.   That's the most important habit of all!  Luckily that comes naturally for me.  I welcome the lines that have developed around my eyes, it lets myself and others know that I've lived a life full of happiness.  Smiling, in earnest, is uplifting.  Just try it for yourself.  If you smile repeatedly, you feel something grow in your chest  and it is impossible not to have your spirit and emotions improve.  It may not decrease your pain or fix the situation you are encountering.  Do it anyway.  What is does, is helps you handle it better and smile lines are much more attractive than frown lines.  Yes?

Smile On!

Enduring Pain: See it, Say it, Believe It!

     Pain has a way of tearing you down to your most vulnerable self.  Whether it be physical pain, mental or emotional pain.  When it hits, it usually hits hard.   Slowly slithering it's way into your body or mind and then slamming you to your very core.

     When my husband would arrive home and view a new inspirational quote on the wall, he could positively assume his wife was in need of extra motivation.  The first two years of recovery were a toss up between physical, mental and emotional pain as I experienced all three at once.  This last year though he could guess that I mostly suffered from a physical pain.  


     Although my pain is greatly decreased since those terrible days of the first year, I have pain from surgery and pain that will live with me til the end of my days.  One such day happened this past Tuesday.  I blame it on this winter weather. 

      Too cold, for too long, for too many days.

     My arthritis is in "end stage".  It cannot get any worse unless my bones just fall apart.  No hot whirlpool bath, ice packs or pleading would ease this deep-seated ache that bore it's way into my bones. 

     I reverted to a technique that I used frequently during those first two years.   A form of meditation, I would guess.  I would recite quotes over and over and over.  I have them everywhere.  On my walls, in my closet, in my drawers, on my phone.  Everywhere a reminder of how fortunate I am and that I will always endure and defeat what is challenging me.

     Literally speaking, I must see the quote to remind myself to concentrate.  Recite it in my head, again and again.  When the pain is at it's worse, that is just not enough.  I must say it.  I must say it out loud.  I must say it with conviction!  "I WILL BE OK!"  It doesn't work unless you strip everything away.  Give your whole heart, mind and soul into Believing It.  But sometimes and there have been times, that the pain encompasses me to the point that I can only whisper, " God grant me the strength to keep fighting."  And when the pain threatens to pull me into it's darkness, I let my tears fall, unashamed, because when we cannot speak, God observes our tears as prayers too.

     My point being is that all pain is pain.  All pain hurts.  All pain tears you down.  We must find our inspiration to fight through the challenges in our life from any source we can.  If you do not have support, you must inspire yourself.  

     I bare my soul not only to heal, but now I understand I need let others in pain 'See' that it can be accomplished.  Hear the words I 'Say' to be true and 'Believe' it because I am still here, standing proudly.