Strong Testimonies about Choices

     Each presentation that I give has a main focus and that is choices.  More specifically, that our choices can and most often do affect someone other than ourselves. 

   

 This past October, during Red Ribbon Week, I asked a friend of mine to give her personal testimony to one of our local high schools reliving the emotional details about the evening she heard siren after siren after siren speed past her house.  Then having her suspicions confirmed.  

     She had relived those moments for me once before, but sitting beside her in a gymnasium as she recalled the specifics had me swallowing sobs that desperately wanted to escape. 

      She relayed the story about two other mutual friends that she was in constant contact with during those hours of extraction and  transportation of myself and my two daughters.  Those two friends also agreed to write a few paragraphs as their personal testimony for my blog today. 

     Jen Harmon:
"The night that I learned of Carey’s car accident I was in shock. It was one of those moments that was hard to even comprehend what was happening. My mind started flipping through every memory I had of being with her and I couldn’t make myself believe that the person I had become friends with was possibly gone forever. I didn’t believe it was real, I didn’t see how it could be real, I didn’t want to accept that it could be real."

"I started making phone calls, sending text messages and searching Facebook for information but there were no clear, factual answers to be given. I heard that there was a fatality and at that time, I didn’t even know if there was another vehicle involved so I began to worry that my worst nightmare was proving to be true. I continued to make calls but was told many different stories ranging from rumors of her losing her legs to her being transported by helicopter to St. Louis but was not expected to live.  It was one of the most helpless feelings I have ever had."

"I struggled with whether I should go to the hospital or not. I knew there were going to be so many people there and felt that I would probably just be in the way. I chose to stay home and wait. I held my phone in my hand everywhere I went – not knowing if I wanted it to ring or not for fear of what I would be told if it did."

"One night I just started texting her. I assumed she had lost her phone in the accident, but I continued to send them anyway. I didn’t know if she would ever get to read them but it was the only thing I could do. I had no control over what was going to happen but I could at least tell her that I was thinking of her and praying that she would come back to us."

"Finally, one night as I held my phone in my hand while lying on my couch my phone chimed. I can’t explain the feeling I got when I looked down and saw that the text I had just received was from Carey. It honestly felt like God had just come and placed her right into my arms. She later told me that she didn’t remember sending me that text or even talking to me later that week. But I do - and it will always be one of the most amazing, miraculous days in my life. "

    








   Lisa Gansner:
 "I will never forget that wintry December night.  I had an odd feeling that night…couldn’t explain what…but things just didn’t seem right.  
It was a Wednesday night…and I didn’t go to the studio as Carey taught that ZUMBA class."

  "About 5 minutes before class started, my phone rang…that sick feeling came in my stomach and my head knew….and my heart knew..something was happening.  It was the girls at the studio., asking if class was cancelled?" 

 "Carey hadn’t arrived..and we all knew that never happened.  If she wasn’t able to show, which she NEVER cancelled..she would always say something.  I knew when I was dialing her number, a sickness continued in my heart and stomach.  I left message after message." 

 "As I was on the phone with the girls at the studio, they heard sirens…our heart sunk and tears whelped up as we knew..it wasn’t a fear…we knew it had to be her.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined the extent….and as I learned about the seriousness, all the emergency personnel traveling..the great amount of emergency personnel, the Face Book posts, I just prayed. And prayed.  And prayed." 

 "I will never forget that night.  Feeling helpless, prayerful, wishing I could do something, wishing I could be an angel in the sky giving her strength, so scared for my dear friend, knowing something horrible had happened and just praying with all my might that she would live…breathe…."

"As those next months continued, watching her struggle and watching her overcome so many obstacles, yet wishing I could take all the pain away.  Wishing that night had never happened.  I can’t imagine what it is like to be in Carey’s shoes.  I know God has such a great purpose for her.  She touches and inspires so many before and NOW…it is so evident his purpose for her." 
 "I feel so blessed that it was NOT his plan to have her join the angels and to let us continue to enjoy her, her spirit, her personality and all she is."  
"I love you Carey and feel so blessed to call you my dear friend and thankful God has blessed us with you for a longer time.  Thank you for who you are and what you stand for.  You are such an amazing model to others and me daily.  When I feel like complaining selfishly about things, I think of you often and say…”No way I can complain…look what SHE overcame…I can overcome anything too! “

"Our Choices Matter"

If Tomorrow Never Comes

     Scouring our digital photos for a specific one I was searching for, I clicked on this image.  At once, I stopped, filled with emotions and memories flooding my thoughts.

December 25th, 2010.  One day after my thirty-fifth birthday, four days before our family would be forced to adapt to a new way of living. 

The next image that enlarged on my computer screen was this one. 

My heart nearly fell out of my chest.  Our family, our children, our world.  Almost lost.  

"What if's" came to my mind for the first time ever about the footings we poured as the foundation of our little tribe we had formed.

     "What if" we knew what was going to happen just days from when this photo was taken, would we have absorbed more from this memory?

     "What if" we would have slowed down more instead of just talking about it?

     "What if" we wouldn't have let the stressors of this life disturb us so much?

     "What if" one of us hadn't lived, would the rest of us know how much we loved them?

     That's the one that became my main focus.  Had I not lived, would the rest of my family understand how much love my heart holds for them?  

     We cannot use "what if's" to look at or change our past, we can use them to look at and change our future.  

     I have been working on this concept for five years now.  Not thinking about "what if's" and just doing what my heart feels regardless of life's circumstances.  

     It can be so hard at times, so hard to keep that positive outlook with the negativity influencing our posse of six. 

    Our teenagers may not want me to hug or tell them that I love them, but I'm doing it anyway because it is true.  They may not want to take things as slow as I do, to stop the moment so I can cuddle up in it and feel the warmth surrounding me, but I'm going to do it anyway. 

     My husband may appear bashful as I stroke his ego for stepping up and choosing to be the protector, mentor and leader of our family until I could again stand by his side in partnership, but I will continue to lift him up with praise.  When our lives fell apart, he dug in his heels instead making an exit.

     My hopes are that each of us will have no regrets of not showing enough affection, not saying I love you or of not sharing in the memories.  At the end of our lives, creating memories are all that really matter, all that we truly look back on and there should be no anguish over, "What if" I had done more.

     When I view these images, no matter if they seem insignificant or historic, that these are moments, memories in the making, that we would have lost out on.   

     If my tomorrow never comes, as it almost did, my family will know how much I loved them, they will know I tried in every way, they will know how much they fill my heart. 

   

Pinterest + Thanksgiving =Success

     Using Pinterest for cooking has been a staple in our home.  Propping my iPad on the counter for easy access and going to town on new recipes is exciting for me.   Whether I'm looking for a quick and easy meal or I want to copycat an intricate dish from my favorite restaurant, it can almost always be found within this red app. 

     My question to myself this holiday was,  " Can I make an entire Thanksgiving meal and it also be amazingly delicious from Pinterest?"

     The answer is a resounding, "Yes!"

     So what did I end up cooking?  Well let me just tell you then. 

 

  First up, our main course was a holiday ham from our farm fed pig.  Necessity dictated that I use our roaster due to the oven being full.  I've cooked several hams, but I always come back to the Brown Sugar Ham.  Ours was 18 pounds and I roasted it for 4 hours at 325 degrees and it was fabulous!

    Second up, Green Bean Casserole.  This is the first time I have used frozen green beans instead of canned and it was still a fan favorite, but some didn't enjoy the crispness of the frozen beans versus canned.  I rarely purchase canned anything anymore because they just are not as healthy an option. 

   Third, 7 Layer Salad.  An item my husband loves to add to any menu. 

   
  Fourth, Warm Bacon Cheese Dip.  I could not find a bread bowl at either store I entered so I made my own, but I preferred the garlic, Parmesan pita chips with this dip instead.

  


   Fifth, Twice Baked Potato Casserole.  This is awesome because it's just the inside of a twice baked potato.  How could you possibly go wrong with that?

   

 
Sixth, Candied Sweet Potato Casserole.  To. Die. For.   This is like dessert.  I ate it two mornings in a row for breakfast!

    


 Seventh on the list, Ramen Noodle Salad.  This is one of my personal favorites.   For whatever reason, I did not buy the bag of coleslaw mix, so I had to make mine from scratch, which I like even better.  You can tell it was made with love because the cabbage slices were uneven. 

   

 Eighth, Sweet Hawaiian Bread.  This is so moist, delicious and easy to make in the bread machine.  Love my bread machine!

    

 Ninth for dessert was No Bake Eclair Cake!   I didn't have room in my oven for one more food item and I was tuckered out at this point from baking.  This ended up being a big ticket item though, so simple and yummy. 

      The only dish I did not steal from Pinterest was Rice Pilaf, another easy dish that I'll have to share later.  You can see it was a busy day of cooking, six hours worth and totally worth every minute of it. 

     My only foul up was that I pulled four hot dishes out of the oven just in time to call everyone to eat and I completely forgot to take a photo of our Thanksgiving homemade feast!

   

 So dinner from Pinterest was a total success!

Carey Portell-Stronger than Yesterday-FB

Carey Portell-cpsty Twitter

Watching my Clients Grow Up

     Ten years ago, 2005, I moved to the Cuba/St. James Missouri area, only knowing a handful of people.  I took a chance, opening a full time photography studio, making my passion a reality. 

     My business exploded and I quickly began photographing  every family in Crawford County.  Children immediately became my largest clientele.  

     Learning quickly to bring an extra set of clothes to the studio with me, I never knew how I would look at the end of a session.  Creating images of naked babies became a huge popularity, but as we all know babies excrete body fluids at random.  They also did not care if it was their parent holding them or a total stranger. 

     Also having a habit of bringing live animals to my sets, to spawn natural expressions from those kiddos initiated the same response as human babies. 

     Then I would try to get down on a child's level, enlisting their trust in a short amount of time, while sitting or kneeling in the dirt or whatever else was in the grass trying to snap an image while chasing the little devils around the park. 

 

   I have reached that age where I have been in the community long enough that I began photographing these children when they were so young and some have grown to be young adults which then meant high school senior portraits.  

  



   Recently I was deeply reminded of how much our community has supported me in all of my endeavors as I

photographed this beautiful ginger.  I recall those cute freckles and innocent smile from her childhood as I zoom in on her flawless face in my view finder.  Now I see a young woman who still has freckles, but they become her in such a way that they enhance her beauty. 

     In a way, I view these children as my kids.   I made a connection with these nuggets and their families over the last ten years and will always have a fondness for our history.

     I enjoy watching them mature.  
 I value that they continue to put their trust in me for important events in their lives and I cannot wait to see where the world takes them as they move into adulthood.

    
 More Images on FaceBook
     

     

     

Four Years in the Making

     Never has four years moved so slow and so fast at the same time.  Turning around to look back at my life during those years, it has sped by.  How can four years have passed so quickly?  Breaking the years down into each of eleven surgeries, those days passed at a crawl.

      Reflecting often during my days working on the farm, I ask myself, " Now that you are at the end of your recovery, what would you change regarding your experience?"  This is not a quick answer to be spat out, it requires digging deep within, to a place usually reserved for those few times in our lives when something rocks us to our core.  So I sit and get real with myself.  

     Would I change anything?   Of course I wish the collision would not have happened, but that was not in my control.  I am well educated in pain, but it keeps me humble.  The journey was long and hard, but look at the life lessons I have reaped.   My family has endured this time with me as I healed my broken body, but they have learned how to pull together when times are tough.  This one single event has caused incredible amounts of pain for many, but for myself,  it has given me a better home in life.  

      Physically I am handicapped, but emotionally and spiritually, I am in a area that I have never been before.  God is not one to pass up opportunity.  He has given us freedom to choose so he could not stop the collision, but he took the time to present to me an opportunity to work on myself, my relationship with others and my relationship with Him.  Again, it was my choice to accept this convenience, but I know He tugged at me diligently to walk in His direction.  

     The year has closed and a new year has just begun.  I have no idea how I will write this next segment of my life and for once I am not going to plan it out.  I will live and learn as I go.  I will appreciate the gift of my own life and I will believe in myself.  Not having an outline will be a contrast for me as I am letting Him lead me, but I do feel a bit of excitement at the unknown.  With Him as my escort, I am no longer afraid.  I guess my answer is, no.  Even I shake my head at that conclusion, but this is what I feel.

      Although I have never asked the question, "Why?" this happened to me, while recovering I did not understand why the path had to be so difficult.  Until now.   

We would never listen unless it was.

Saying Thank You to All of YOU!

Thankfulness     
Acknowledgement
Recognition
Appreciative
Gratitude
Honor
Indebtedness

     These are just a scattering of terms that I owe to all of you. 

     Four years is a long time to recover.   Four years is a long time for your continued support, but you have never given up on me, which in turn, causes me to not give up on myself.   We have been granted a gift of  86,400 seconds in a day, it only takes the use of one of those seconds to say, "Thank You" but I am going to use quite a few more than that today.

Silent gratitude is not much use to anyone, so

THANK YOU!!!

      It amazes me that the effects of this collision have spread so far.  Society may not know my name, but I hear, " Ohhhh, you're the one, " quite often.  I receive hugs from citizens that I do not know because they said a prayer for my family and I in church.  The same goes for cards, texts and private messages.  They start by explaining who they are and that they have a friend who knows us personally and felt compelled to write us.   Then............there is you.   Still receiving random, "how are you doing?" messages or cards.   I receive the best hugs when I venture into town.   Smiles are everywhere and if one of those smiles are a little droopy, then I hug you and you have no choice but to hug me back, because that would just be bad manners.  

     I rarely shake hands anymore unless the occasion truly calls for it, I encompass my acquaintance in my skinny, woman arms and hope they feel every bit of indebtedness that I have.   I have so much to give and give back.  

     I cannot recall if I have communicated this story to you or not, but this moment calls for it.     

     When I roused in my room after one of the surgeries, I'm not sure if it was my personality, God or something called Dilaudid, but I awoke in a great mood.  As long as I received my medicine routinely I was in moderate pain, light-hearted and didn't think much about my situation.  While I was holding my Mom's hand after a surgery I vividly recall a divine sense of prayer.  I spoke genuinely to her, " Mom, I can feel everyone praying for me, I can feel it.  That's why I feel so good."  I can only think of one way to explain this titillation.  When you watch how fans 'people surf' at a rock concert, there are many hands supporting that person as they travel along the crowd.  This is how I felt about everyone who was praying for us.  You were carrying me with prayer at a time when I could not carry myself.  It's an inspiration that I could never forget.

     When I speak of "you", I speak of everyone.  My family, friends, acquaintances and unique strangers that took time to help me, even in thought.  My family put their lives on hold until I could function on my own.  Our children practiced patience, nurturing and bred independence in their new roles, while my mind, body and spirit were reclaimed.  There were times when my own light diminished and was rekindled by a spark sent by one of you, whether you knew this or not.  I will never be afraid of saying a prayer or sending a message to someone because of awkwardness.  It was at the oddest junctures that a short note from someone revitalized my ambition to survive and live, like I wanted to live.  

     It is said that, "if you were not grateful for what you had before, that you could never be grateful for what you are to get."   I believe this to be true.  I do not wish this experience on anyone, it is painful in so many ways.  I am grateful to live thirty-five years as I did, but I am grateful to live any way I can now.  This is a promise to you, that I will pay it forward til the end of my life here on this earth.

If there was a way that I could touch you, to transfer my emotion of appreciation,  so you could feel what is in my heart, you could have endless peace just from that smallest gesture.   

 Gratitude has, undeniably, been my best attitude.

    

      

Our Crawford County Fair Family

     Most of us have some sort of extended family.  Although we may not get to spend much time with them, we know they will always step up to the plate when we are in need.

     My husband and I have quite a list that we consider our extended family.  Whole communities have shown their support during our need over the last three years.   Sharing this story of our local fair family and how they pulled together to show their support for us still gets me all choked up.  Fair time is just around the corner and speaking of this instance just last week, filled my chest with overflowing gratitude towards the amount of people in our community that can rally, when one of it's members is down.

     Nearly seven months had passed since our collision,  I had

already completed, I believe, five surgeries on my pelvis and bilateral ankles.  Just a couple of weeks prior I had learned to take my first steps using a walker and had progressed to using a walker with wheels!   What was equally as exciting was that I put on a pair of shoes for the first time in six months!  The ominous wheelchair was still in my life, but fair time was too rugged for that cheap seat to functional properly at the fair grounds.

    I refused to make our kids miss showing their livestock animals that year.  I did not want my condition to continue to dictate the activities of my family.  We could also use a "pick me up" by letting the kids have some fun and doing a little socializing ourselves.  I could endure two trips to the swine barn a day or I could sit on my blue Yamaha, four-wheelin' walker and let the kids take turns pushing me.  If I recollect correctly, it was only 117 degrees that July, which helped none with my already massively swollen ankles.  All week our family received well wishes, hugs and sincere compassion from all who knew us.  

  

   The moment that took the cake was Saturday's livestock sale.  I sat next to the sale ring waiting for our kids to emerge one by one with their animals.  Our middle two daughters won the top two awards in the swine division, it was our high light of the week!

       As our second oldest walked the ring with her pig, I had one camera in my left hand taking a video and another camera in my right hand snapping photos.  I was being a "Mom" and loudly whispering for her to smile and look at the crowd when I finally heard the auctioneer say that she had set a record.  

     What?!  I was so busy juggling my cameras and insisting my daughter keep a smile on her face that I hadn't heard a single word the auctioneer had said.  Both cameras stopped following my daughter as I turned my head to the right to view the crowd.  I viewed a mass of people, but I didn't see a single face. 

      My vision had tremendously blurred with the turning of my head as my mind wrapped around what these wonderful friends of ours had  just done.  My lips parted in awe as I swung my head to the left to find my husband leaning against a wall with his hands stuck deep in his pockets.  

     His eyes were swimming with un-shed tears, that was my confirmation that I understood what was transpiring.  I held his stare for so long that he walked  over, knelt down beside me and wiped the tears from my cheeks ever so gently with his calloused knuckles.  "Carey, these are good people," he said softly.  Indeed you are, friends, indeed you are. 

     $17 a pound that piece of pork brought on that hot, humid day.  My daughter had no trouble keeping that smile from enveloping her entire face. To top it off, the hog was donated back to be auctioned off, this time to help with medical expenses!    

     I made an inept attempt to focus on the rest of the sale, but it was a futile one.  My emotions overwhelmed me as I sat in my lawn chair staring blankly, still in awe.  Leaving the show pavilion, an acquaintance said in earnest, "Carey, the 2011 Crawford County Fair is the start to a better second half of this year."  I believed that with all of my heart.  

     Looking back, I'm not sure how I even attended that fair or survived through the pain that it cost me.  Your can bet your bottom that I wouldn't have traded that moment for one pain free day.  It was a turning point, a boost our family needed, but never would have asked for.  That is what friends do best.   We couldn't be more proud to be a part of a community like this.  

We love our Crawford County Fair Family!