Learning Public Speaking and Overcoming my Fear

     Public Speaking.  My worst fear.  EVER!

     So three years into my recovery my husband and I are discussing my urge to speak publicly about my recovery.   I really wouldn't say it was my urge, but that I was being tugged by an unseen force. ( that's a whole story in itself) 

     Those that know me well realize that public speaking is an action that I have avoided at all cost.  I could not even give a speech at my best friends wedding due to my extreme shyness!  

     Being the center of attention, having all eyes on me, everyone listening to what I want to say?  Fooor.....getttt it!

     This urge to speak up was so strong that it would not be ignored any longer.  Fine.  I need help.  My husband gives presentations like clock work at his work establishment.  Following his guidance, I slowly began thinking of what I wanted to speak about and how I would share it. 

    I received an email from him one afternoon, forwarding information about an online class that he had received from a co-worker with whom he had shared my dilemma.  The six week class was offered by the University of Washington State and stated all students would record four presentations varying from ninety seconds up to ten minutes.  

     This is perfect for me.  I don't have to get up in front of a class, it is just myself and a video recorder.  I can do this.  I need to do this.

     At that point, I could not imagine speaking about anything for ten minutes!  I laugh at that now because ten minutes is over and I'm like, "Wait, I'm not done!"

     Our very first assignment was just a short ninety second speech stating our reason for entering this class.  It was ridiculous how nervous I still became in my living room and a camera pointed towards me!   All I could think about was how many people would be viewing this.   We posted to You Tube and I knew only class members could view it, but still.  I. was. ridiculous.

     My tongue was thick, my sentences ran together.  I definitely hadn't mastered the "dramatic pause"  or any pause for that matter.  I re-recorded it at least seven times if my recollection is correct.  This was going to be a huge challenge for me.  

     So this is how I started my public speaking endeavor and if this shy, introverted woman can do it, there is hope for everyone who faces this same fear. 

                               

It's a New Dawn, a New Day, a New Year!

      A New Year!

    What I am about to write is not my originally intended post.  I was following the timeline of the year.  Sticking to New Years resolutions, which still ends up at the end of this column, just in a different manner than anticipated.
     When deciding to create a blog I accepted that this meant opening emotional scars, healing, criticism and hopefully encouraging others.  This is why I must be honest, painfully honest about my day yesterday.  New Years Eve.
     The day was filled with wonderful moments of sharing a couple of hours with our two middle children while watching them get beautified at the salon.  Listening to their teenage goofiness ends with me shaking my  head, but smiling none the less. 
 




(not a pic of recent hair changes, just the most recent one I could find of them together)

 Next was lunch at the Mexican restaurant with friends I may not get to see often, but pick conversation up with as if we were just visiting the day prior.

(gorging on Mexican food with laughter around the table is the best!)

 
      An afternoon nap was essential since my energy level is low after recovering from surgery. I awoke with my chest tight, my spirits low and an anxiety coursing through my body that I could not shake. Here is where my day takes a ninety degree turn from fantastical to bleh.

      A couple hours of fervently trying to rid myself of this mood, I acknowledged where I was. This same familiar place I pass through after every single flippin' surgery. 

      I'm in pain, from recovering and from two dopey falls in the past week. I've come down from the narcotics, my body is using all of its energy to heal, I am again dependent on others until I can walk again. I have seven more months of casts, air boots, braces, physical therapy and healing before I feel decent. Anger is waiting for me to let it completely take over, but something holds me back from letting myself adequately dive into it. 

      I live in the Jacuzzi bathtub due to my severe arthritis, trusting that this will decrease the pain and ease my apprehension, I slide into the steaming water. In a sense I am soaking out my anguish, except that my left leg is propped on the edge of the tub, owed to the red cast covering it, tears are brimming at the ledges of my eyelashes and the scars that ordinarily don't bother me are flashing like the vacancy sign in the hotel window.

      In a short amount of time, I have effectively made myself miserable. Just me, myself and I. I did this. Knowing from past lessons what I need to do to get myself out of this trench is not helping. This is crap. 

      When I make a conscious decision to step out, get back into my positive pace, a smile replaces my frown, a glint returns to my eyes and all is back on track. The first two years this would sometimes last for days, on occasion, weeks. The past year I could change it within hours, at the most, a day. 

      At the same time I establish that I will obligate getting out of this hole I've fallen into, my husband is right on cue with an hour of motivational coaching. To my dismay and his delight, I whisper that I perceive his words are correct, tears of release flow down my cheeks and I am spent. It's late and I am exhausted. I eagerly anticipate a new dawn on the horizon.

      I am in bed when the new year arrives. A cheerful realization cracks my thoughts. December 29th has come and gone. Without thinking, I wake my husband. I exclaim, "Husband! It's the thirty first!" His sleepy "uh huh" response really meant " No #*%! Sherlock"
      " Husband, the day passed and I didn't even think about it, not once." I am ecstatic. The day nor the six o'clock hour of the collision has haunted me this year!

      It's literally now a new day and new year. My muscles tense with exhilaration, my fists ball at my sides, I feel like I've just made the best play of a softball game. I point my finger at nothing into the darkness and say "You just try to keep me down! 2014, I am going to kick your BUTT!!!"


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